After I completed all of those Professional Development Points AND the last draft of the article I am writing, I sat down last Thursday night, March 21, to sew. I actually had not even sat at my machine for a couple of weeks….and I found myself at a loss for what to do. I have several projects in progress, but as I sat there, I realized – with a groan – that I did not feel interested in any of them…so I sat there, not motivated to do anything…I looked around the mess of fabric and ribbons and paper on the shelves and floor near my sewing machine and felt …stupid. Blocked. Stalled. Lacking enthusiasm. Lacking any creativity.
It occurred to me that I was right about not spending a lot of money creating a sewing area because evidently I was, indeed, going to lose my interest. RIght then and there I knew I was not creative, would never be an artist, or even a crafter, and that I had just been pretending. I felt awful. I thought that I had wasted my time and money on something I was not ever going to be good enough at.
I am not by nature neat, and can handle chaos in my environment pretty well. I can walk right by a pile of clothes to put away, a sink of dishes needing to be washed, and go read a book and just forget about all the mess. But last Thursday, it bothered me. It all felt as if it were a huge debt that I had to pay.
And so I sat. and thought about the other sewing/quilting blogs I read in which almost every day some creative person has a new post about this quilt she had finished, another one who was learning to machine quilt, and all those beautiful photos these bloggers posted.
And I knew I was not one of them.
And I am not. I began this blog about the process of designing, sewing, crafting, quilting, not about the beautiful items I make daily. And I realized that after being out of the ‘flow’ of sitting at my machine almost every day, I lost the feeling of being creative. I could not find my place in all the ‘stuff’ I had around me.
I may have only spent two hours making them, but intrinsically I knew I had to start once again. Calling myself down, telling myself I was not good at this stuff, was going to get me nowhere. I decided to start something to see if I could resurrect that feeling of accomplishment that occurs when I put together something pretty.
And I did. It’s been a slow transition, but the energy is coming back.